after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
