I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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