i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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