Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
