Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
