sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
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He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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