How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
