Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
