Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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