well I can't set my house on fire every night
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
