Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
The air was thick with penises
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
