I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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