If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
