Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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