my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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