Are we in a gay sports bar?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
