I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
