Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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