come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
