My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize