The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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