We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
