Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
