That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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