pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
