You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
