I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There's a naked man in my car right now.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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