I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
