When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
