i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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