The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
