We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
