I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
