I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
time to smoke my breakfast
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
