we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
