The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
