we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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