My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
