we're chasing vodka with high fives
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
