Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Randomize
