Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way