doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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