she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
