I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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