I love black thongs
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
