Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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