She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
