Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
