Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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