her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
