just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
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To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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