Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
