Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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