the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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